Of Elven Men and Mortal Women
by Death-Within-Me
Summary: Have you ever wondered why male elf/female human couples are not as common as female elf/male human couples? Read here to get an idea.


**Warning: Contains spoilers, this article is not meant to offend anyone or anything and is just for humour's sake. If you don't find this funny, I apologize and the back button is to your top left. I also happen to have very bad grammar.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of Tolkien's masterpieces.**

Have you ever wondered why there are so many Beren and Luthiens, but hardly ever any Aegnor and Andreths? More specifically, have you ever questioned why Tolkien provides more female elf/mortal couples than male elf/mortal couples in his works? Sure, there is the story of Aegnor and Andreth in _Morgoth's Ring/Silmarillion, _but Tolkien barely gave us any details about the pairing and even better, he made sure the two don't have a happy ending unlike other elf/mortal ships. It is the only male elf/mortal and the very first elf/mortal pairing that has ever happened in all of Middle Earth, not to mention the most realistic and yet, it is used to represent the differences between elves and men, plus the tragic ending…You're killing me, J.R.R Tolkien! Anyway, here is a list I have composed of reasons why I assume there are more she-elves with human men than he-elves with human women.

Enjoy~

In The Fellowship of the Ring, Tolkien said that Humans are closer to Hobbits than they are with elves. Surprise, surprise.

Female elves are more easily swayed than their male counterparts simply because they are female. It didn't take long for Luthien and Arwen to fall for Beren and Aragorn's charms. Male elves don't fall in love as easily, apparently.

This brings back to number one. Male elves are more prideful than their female counterparts. In other words, male elves are more likely to belittle humans and think them as "weak." Remember, whatever you do, elves will always do it better. They are more "noble" than you. They are more "fair" and they are more "wise" than you.

According to Wikipedia, it is said that Tolkien loves his women and likes to put them on high pedestals. The easiest way to do that is to turn them into gorgeous mary-sue elves with long, luscious hair and high cheekbones. Tolkien wouldn't pay much attention to the human female hormones and needs.

Male elves are less impulsive than female elves. They are more likely to analyze the consequences of loving a mortal and the idea of their human lover becoming a grandmother over the years only to suddenly die. The thought is most definitely not pleasant.

Human women also resents the idea of them looking like pedophiles once they reach the age of thirty-five while standing next to their forever young, blonde male first borns.

Have you read the Silmarillion, the Lost Tales, Morgoth's Ring, etc? Do you realize how intense elven men are? Sure, they look like peaceful, vegan hippies in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, but don't let that fool you. One psycho elf slayed his own kin and sacrificed his own sons and wife just to take back his precious Silmaril jewels. Another not-okay-in-the-head elf used his fancy elf magic to force a maiden to marry him and bore him a son. Two elves forced the mother of Elrond and Elros off a cliff only to kidnadopt her sons after that. One elf decided it would be smart to face an evil God, Morgoth, by himself. Another elf still lives after ten years of being chained to a cliff by his right hand. Ladies, spending a day with one thousand orcs would be a _picnic _after you get involved with one of these guys.

Elven men spent all their lives surrounded by beautiful, ethereal elven ladies. They are most likely to remain passive to your "plain," human looks unlike how human men will instantly get an erection once they set their eyes on an elven maiden. Sorry ladies, the truth hurts.

If has been stated many times that beauty is very important to elves. They want to see beauty everywhere they go so if you are not confident about your looks, you better hope you have a unique personality or a special skill. Look back to number eight.

Men dominated at the time. Remember, how Eowyn had to work really hard to be seen as an equal just because she carries the XX chromosome? Human men have more opportunities to do "heroic" deeds and impress their elven maidens while human women are more likely stuck with kitchen duty. They are also always denied Bilbo Baggins "adventures" so they can't really meet people.

If you have pay attention to Eowyn, Nienor, Andreth, Morwen, Haleth, etc., you will see that female mortals are just as prideful and stubborn. They are probably more prideful than their male counterparts! The woman of the Edain, Haleth, led her people west and away from Caranthir, one of the noble sons of the notorious elf, Feanor when he offered to "protect" her people. You go girl!

Elves are handsome. Some even glows. A lot of women don't exactly trust or feel overwhelmed by hot and sexy XY chromosomes. Fact.

Remember, elves are old. Thousands of years old. While Arwen doesn't mind that she can be Aragorn's great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother, male elves can be the exact opposite. Remember, they are "wiser", "fairer" and "older" than you. You are still a little girl to them. It doesn't matter if you two look the same age. It doesn't matter how much wrinkles you have. It doesn't matter how big your boobs are. It doesn't matter how wide your hips nor does it matter how round your buttocks are. They won't see you as a woman.

The psychology is different. Self-possessed and always composed male elves are not ready to deal with your human, womanly, bipolar, immature emotions nor will they know how to react to "that time of the month."

J.R.R Tolkien is a closet sexist.

Notice how in every elf/mortal pairing in Tolkien, there will be one or two male elves that tries to hinder it or persuade the female elf not to fall in love with the human. In Luthien/Beren, it is Daeron and Thingol for half of it. In Tuor/Idril, it is Maeglin. In Aragorn/Arwen, it is Elrond and possibly his twin sons. In Aegnor/Andreth. . . guess who?

Remember what dearest Saeros asked Turin about us mortal ladies running naked like deers with only hair being our only cover? Ironically that actually happened with Nienor.

All elves leave for the Grey Havens _forever_ by the end of the third, Lord of the Rings movie and the dominion of men comes. What is the point?

And that wraps up the reasons why life is unfair. I had a nice time with you all, bye.

Reviewers go to Valinor.


End file.
